Today I get my second phone call with my "therapist" (not quite sure of her official title) and I'm feeling quite defensive.
It's been over a month since I last spoke to her.
There are a lot of things I feel disappointed and annoyed about.
The amount of time between phone calls is one of the things.
It's not nice to feel like a number. That's exactly what it feels like.
I hate that I have to "fit in" to their busy schedule.
That's no way to make someone feel important or like they mean something to you/your work.
I need someone who is there whenever I need them. Someone I can ring anytime and say "bad day! Fix me please".
I already hate being restricted to 30 minutes per session and being rushed towards the end. I feel like I can't properly open up because I'll be told that we need to move on as we're at the end of the session.
I have to fill in a form at the beginning of every session. I have to record my feelings and score them between 0-10 or 0-4.
It's not consistent. We had a really good day yesterday at the zoo, it is my birthday tomorrow, therefore I am on a happy cloud at the moment which will effect my scores. In 2 days time my scores may be completely different.
If I am having a good day I can't remember feeling bad in the previous week, and vice versa.
I can't see how this sheet indicates whether or not my anxiety is improving.
I feel since doing this form of therapy I have got worse because I am over thinking things a lot, which isn't good for a natural over thinker!
I have opened up to an ex-collegue of my husband whom I am still friends with, and always kind of looked up to and she has given me amazing advice, which I feel I can really work with and move forward with.
So, I have to come up with the courage to say all this. To reject the therapy I so desperately wanted.
The therapy I expected a lot from, but feel I have achieved very little from.
I feel in the past few weeks that I have improved myself. My eyes have opened a little bit wider and I'm seeing things clearly. Accepting a few things. And making changes.
I've realised that life online can offer so much to me and have 2 people in particular who have been so helpful to me, and so supportive, especially in the last week or so. I feel I can really open up to them because they are going through/have gone through the same as me.
They make me feel normal.
And that's a wonderful feeling.
A feeling I don't think therapy can ever give me.
"Our worries make us empathetic, thoughtful people and that's awesome ."